My World, My Way: embrace its fun and power!

What a little dark horse of an RPG this is. Over four months after its release, I can't find a walkthrough on the online to save my life. Most of the discussion I can find has been (biased paraphrase): dude it's for like girls and stuff. The marketing campaign can be damned for this. From the official description:

However, only one young man catches Elise's eye, and, as it turns out, he is no prince, but an adventurer. Knowing that fate itself has ordained him as her true love, she confesses her desire to share in his life ... Only to be flat out rejected, unless she can proves herself to be a worthy adventurer on her own. And so, much to the Kingdom's shock and dismay, Elise, the clueless princess, sets out on her adventure!


If you thought, 'ew, lame,' reading that, I can't blame you. Not only does this press my inner feminist's 'ARRRGH HULK SMASH' button, it's also entirely inaccurate. The lead character is about as hilarious and likable as a spoiled sassback can get. 'Silent hero' she's not, and in the best possible way. Is anyone else tired of being a bland androgynne that says '...'? Elise's character and dialogue is a perfect antidote. The game is full of hilarious, straight-out mockery of RPG character conventions and scenarios.

It has a stats menu!

Not only is the game a fine little RPG, it's got a sophisticated twist: 'pout points.' Please don't be putoff by the word 'pout,' folks getting mid-'90s Kate Moss flashbacks at reading that word. They're a way of adjusting the difficulty of all manner of things. Seriously, if you want Etrian Odyssey-style impossible masochism, you can spend a while playing that way. Or, if you're like me and tire after 20+ minutes of grinding, you can change the landscape to fight different kinds of baddies, or you can slightly up the Experience Points you'll get, or, or, or...tons of options. It's so broadly customizable, anyone could enjoy it.

I said, "POUT FOR ME!"

I know it's made out to be 'little darling's first RPG' by its (foolish) advertisers, but it's got a treasure chest full of mass appeal, even for crazy Atlus-RPG slaves. Seriously, overlooking this would be a sad, sad shame.

My Stop Smoking Coach: Allen Carr's EasyWay

This was the one DS title of 2k8 I was most excited for. I know that's kind of weird, but I've been smoking on and off for three years and I thought this would really help me stop. Last time I quit, it was with the help of Allen Carr's book, The Easy Way to Stop Smoking, which is more famous in Europe than it is here in the States. Lord knows why – it's an amazing little book that reprograms your entire thinking about cigarettes and smoking. It really does make it easy to quit (though, as he notes often, you have to really WANT to quit for it to work).

So after some terrible personal circumstances in March, I broke Carr's cardinal rule: don't ever accept or smoke another cigarette. Oops.

I was excited not just for myself, but other DS owners out there who might get something really good out of this.

It had been advertised, in its early rumor/preview stages, as simply a game of the Easy Way method invented by Carr. Little did I know it was adopted by Ubisoft of the My AnnoyingCoach series.

Uh-oh.

The main problem with this game is they felt the need to make it a "game." By which I mean, every main point is iterated by a mimi-game, which ranges from acceptable to absolutely maddening in quality. For example:



In the book, Carr tackles the conception that smokers "like the flavor" by basically saying, "No one does. They taste terrible, and here are some enlightening facts and metaphors that explain why." My Stop SmokingCoach instead forces you to play some mini-game wherein you have to find ingredients to various made up recipes such as "Tobacco Stew" and "Baked Ashtray." (I made that last one up, but it would fit right in.)

You do this by guessing. Will "Butt Glacé" have ashes? Nicotine? Tar? Carbon dioxide? There's no way to know, other than trying various combinations and hoping you don't lose so you can finally move on past this pointless torture.


That's the main problem I have with these mini-games, is they force you to play them. A lot of them make even less sense than "Mystery Tomacco Recipe," like one that involved spraying buckets of water into holes (???), and are impossible to win.

I would really have liked if the game had no "playing a video game" elements at all, but instead had some kind of personal commitments calendar, video clips & cutscenes with testimonials and tips from people who quit with the same method, and a lot more text. I'd recommend avoiding this game and just buying Carr's book. Or, even spending the money on cigarettes – this game is as horrid as lung cancer.



(Surprisingly, it's rated E for Everyone!)

Pop Cutie! Street Fashion Simulation: Not so kawaii as you'd think

These androgynous simulacra are rated E for Everyone.

Man, this game.

First, out of life-long tomboy forces, I was reluctant to play a game called "Pop Cutie! Street Fashion Simulation." The worrisome words are in bold. But it got good reviews, and seemed to be more sim than paper dolls for the DS.

And it was. But not much more.

Premise: you're a young person (I chose a lady; the other option is a man) who designs fashions and sells them. You get to earn new types of clothing by combining words you overhear in conversations with folks on the street. You'll ask them something like "Do you have a fear of elevators?" and they'll say, "No, I find them a smooth ride." The word in blue becomes some factor that leads to some new type of clothing.

Sharp + duck yields a greaser hairstyle, in case you were curious.

Then you choose a color for your design, you put the thing out on the shelves, people buy it, repeat.

Other designers (two) exist and sell clothes, and...they might sell more clothes than you. That is the Challenging Thing in this game. Don't let them out-popular you! It was fun trying to make your particular designs the Mostest Popularest. Once season I tried to get everyone to look like an Edwardian dandy, the next I was going for some like pre-grunge sloppy rock thing, with stripes and things, I guess like Sonic Youth back when they remembered that clothes can have colors. And then, once you had successfully got everyone to buy your clothes, you could win a fashion battle wicked easy.

Fashion battles were a quarterly event wherein you and a rival designer deck out a person in your designs. You can get extra points for things like color combos, but they don't add up to much. The way to rack up mad points is by having sold plenty of the selected designs. Then you win. You win. You will have won. You don't not succeed. Over and over. It's more of a challenge to try and lose the battle.

And that was kind of it. You made some clothes, they got popular, you won. You sold enough, you moved onto the next level, repeat. What little strategy there is becomes mastered rather quickly. Advertise a thing in the quarterly magazine: dozens of people buy that thing. Hire some models to stand on the street, passersby buy the things you had the models wear. Hire a decent person to run the cash register, another to do inventory, you're set.

There isn't a lot to explore in this game. Sometimes, out on the street, your character thinks: I should visit my rivals' stores and see what they're designing. Well, you can't. You can't visit anywhere but this less-than-one-block pedestrian area outside your store. You can also be inside of your store. This just seems a lazy, lazy, lazy way to make a game.

Weird note: there's only two black characters in the game, and one runs a business called "The Spade Agency." uh...

I won the game in about seven hours, but it had run our of pleasure and challenge after four. It's the game equivalent of an airport novel, a simple piffle that entertains over the duration of a short flight. And definitely not worth your dollars.

Oil well.

Etrian Odyssey 1 & 2: the little RPGs that are too hardcore to go on!

I was telling my husband about Etrian Odyssey: "You get to make your own map!" This is a thing all the reviews point out with glee. HE thought this meant you laboriously create and design your own dungeon.* Not so much – you just do some junior cartography on the bottom screen, illustrating your charted territory in the mazelike dungeons. Thought I'd clear that up first.

Bottom screen: creating your own map. You draw the places you've been, and you can place icons for doors, stairs, locations of extra-difficult monsters, + many more! Top screen: Note how many of the characters have died a cruel, cruel death already. Also: what kind of a name is "Gerald" for an RPG character?

These two games, which are pretty similar, are wicked old school RPGs that are both awesome and frustrating. Classic stuff – encounter baddies, destroy baddies, get killed way too many times by baddies, eventually level up and maybe not get killed as much but maybe even more, etc. I pretty much don't swear at anything but 'Iron Chef America' and video games, and this one has a lot of cussable moments. A lot. But it's really exciting, too, even after long, long grind sessions. Is it Stockholm syndrome? Casino effect? Am I one of Skinner's pigeons, fighting villains for the intermittent, random pellet? Or is it just really well made? Some of each, but mostly the latter.

I started out playing the first Etrian Odyssey, because, you know, it's the first one. It got mediocre marks from game-review type places, but I figured I should begin with that one.

Both games feature a really slow, cruel initial upward climb toward leveling up and earning enough $$$ to get decent weapons and armor ("en" is what they call money – at least it's not the way too commonplace "gold"). One of my five little characters would inevitably die every half hour or so, which is to be expected in a game like this. But the prices for reviving and resting at the inn to restore HP/magic points increased like crazy after every single time you did it! A revive started out at 15 en, not too bad. But the third or fourth was like 250 en! (I want to say it increased exponentially, but I don't want to do the math to make sure that I can accurately use the term "exponentially." Let's just say prices zoomed up without reason.)

So reviving and resting were practically unaffordable, especially given how one earns money in the game. You don't get gold for killing monsters, like in many other games. After you fight monsters, maybe one in three will drop items, and the starting-out type items they DO drop sell for 5-8 en. Minor HP-increasing items run about 50 en. So doing anything to keep my characters alive quickly became prohibitively expensive.

I am always ridic conservative in RPGs – I make sure I've levelled up beyond belief & bought all the gear available before I try the next tiny increase of challenges. Naturally, I used this policy here, but I still kept dying to death. Seriously, you have to get to around level ten before you can even battle weak first-level mosters without having to hang on for dear life. It was terrifying, especially since I knew there was no way I could afford saving them. Just had to cross my fingers. For hours. And hours.

I started the game over, knowing this go-round to try and never die or stay at the inn if I wanted to be able to not hit a point of no return. It worked out quite a bit better – I had a more balanced line-up and was a lot more careful with enemies. I love a punishing RPG but after reaching the fifth level or so (out of 30), I just got worn out. I had lost all will to go on.

"Why not check out the second one, then?" I thought. It did have better reviews, after all. But none of them mentioned what I thought was the best improvement of the second game: it didn't cost 8 zillion en to revive your character after their third or fourth death. I was terrified from the first one that I would quickly be drained of all my scant resources if a charcter died. But if one of your best characters dies, it's not like you can just walk around with this great, but dead, person in your party. At the second revive, I was ready to shill out 100+ en, cringing and worrying at the prospect. But it cost the same amount! Same with the inn stays! In fact, the cost of each is just 5x the level of your highest character. (Level 15 = 75 en inn stay. You have no idea how excited and relieved this STILL makes me, even after 20+ hours of playing. I have Etrian Odyssey 1 PTSD or something.)

There's some other nice changes. You have almost all available classes at the start of II, whereas you had to do a lot of tasks in the first one to get new classes. (By 'classes' I mean types of character: ie strongo warrior, healer, bow-shooting chap, and my favorite – sad panda.)

"Beast" class. You get four character designs to choose from for each character you choose. They all work the same, no matter which design you choose. The beast I like is the SAD PANDA, who looks just like this guy, but sad. And a panda.

Honestly, I didn't care about the extra classes being available at the start. Balancing character classes in Etrian Odyssey is way more difficult than in your typical RPG, but I don't really need 30 choices to start out with. It made some people happy, but it's sixes for me.

The map options are way tricked out in the second one. This I appreciated. The best part is now the option of three different colors for the floor. Not too impressive, right? Wrong. You can have a color for "oh crap those poison floors that remove extra harsh amounts of HP" or a color for "okay here's the exact way I can walk through here without dying for the 800th time."

The colors, children, the colors! Though why they added six different traffic arrows is beyond me. Maybe this is explained in the instruction manual, which I don't have.

SUMMARY for those with TLDR syndrome:

• These RPGs are wicked harsh compared to a lot of modern ones, but the ramped-up challenge makes them a lot more rewarding, IMO.
• The first one is so mean that it's practically unplayable. So I'd start with the second one and if you find it laughably easy (I don't know how you'd do that), then pick up the first one.

Interesting note: This game is made by ATLUS, makers of Trauma Center. The character design is really similar, meaning they're all bafflingly androgynous. Half the time I could not tell if I was picking a boy or girl. No bigs either way, it's just...odd. If you can relate to being a scrawny person in a giant trenchcoat, with pink hair and indeterminate gender, you'll feel right at home. Or if you look like a sad, sad panda.


*Did anyone ever play RPG Maker for the PS1? If so, you will know what I mean when I say: thank my lucky stars you don't have to create your own dungeon.

Lower than the eukaryote....

I plan on doing more than reviewing games here, but that's the main thing I've been doing so far. All I can think when I do this is: do the people who write 'for real' game reviews actually PLAY the whole thing through first?

I mean, it would be wicked easy with a puzzle game. Those things take 15 minutes max to get the complete story. So that's one thing. And I guess you wouldn't HAVE to finish an FPS. You basically know the hows & whys of the shootenany in an hour or so, max. But some platformer? An RPG?

I've definitely got the impression they actually do, with some RPGs, anyway, or how else could they advertise a '40-hour playtime' or such? (My finished time to completion is always way longer than theirs.) But 40 hours – that's way more than even a book. And with a game they REALLY HATE, do they feel obligated to see it through? Especially when writing one of those seven-sentence capsule reviews?

I haven't finished any of the games I have talked about here. I don't feel like I'm cheating anyone here, but OTOH I am not getting paid and I don't have the suffocating self-importance of the '
professional game reviewer' (I think the latter may be a bigger factor in feeling obligated to complete a game. The Power Glove; it is so sweet.).

Does anyone know if they do or not?

Life Signs: Surgical Unit = ;_;

Maybe some of you have played Trauma Center, the challenging and exciting game of surgery, with your stylus as a scalpel. It's the kind of thing that made me want to get a DS – in fact, it was the first game I bought for it. It was innovative, it was unique, and it was ambitious (video game characters have been to college, apparently, since the arcade days of Root Beer Tapper and Burger Time). Also, it was wicked fun, the most important factor of all.

So naturally, when I found out about "Life Signs: Surgical Unit," I was antsy to get my hands on it. Surgery! Right in the game's title. Hello.

Maybe not so much, title of game! There's surgery, maybe 20 percent of the time. The rest of the game is as dullsville and confusing as the worst old-style text adventure games. The order of operations (hur hur) has as much logic as a drawing colored by a three-year old.

I guess I should have been warned by the absolutely guano loco opening tableau. Title doctor (I can't even remember his name) has a picnic with a female hospital admin so hyper-sexy that she makes House M.D.'s Dr. Cuddy look like Nurse Ratched. Other, even sexier (and super teenaged-looking) hospital employees show up one by one to complain THEY were supposed to be the romantic picnicker. And, of course, it was all a dream...

Even during waking hours, the patients and employees are stupid sexy. Just ridic sexy. (Exception: babushka-looking, gossip-crazed head nurse. lol fattey!) When examining patients, you can 'accidentally' touch their barely-clothed boobs. ("Doctor, that's not where it hurts!")

Not an O-face

So the game has a lot of "fan service," executed in a really silly fashion. Not my thing, but not an obstacle to being a good game either. But, like everything else in the game, it takes forever to figure out where it is and how to achieve it.

The game mainly consists of getting handed things by various people, and trying to figure out who needs to get one of your random goods in order to tell you what's happening next. You'd think a surgery would be top priority start if someone's dying. No, it appears to be more important walking from room to room trying to find something (you aren't told what, you just hope you happen upon it).

That or trying to find someone, a person invariably impossible to find. Everyone you meet who isn't your sought target has wicked juicy gossip about employees two-timing or having crushes! zomg! It's like some bad junior high dream where you can't find your locker, but with the added element of a bunch of really boring, chatty people with eye-popping decolletage.

Trauma Center delivers the goods in fast, generous doses. You have a few soap-operatic asides, but they're truncated by operations. Trauma Center had me shouting the game's boldly delivered catchphrase, "Let's being the operation!" at my dog. The only thing Life Signs has me shouting is "What the crap is this for crap?" (Not at my dog, though, which I'm sure he appreciates.)

Summary: if you want to play a surgery game, there's two Trauma Centers, though I would love if some other, quality ones came out. If you want to look at drawings of semi-naked women, I'm sure you can be imaginative enough to find that without having to sludge through this game. If you want to be vexed most sore, there's always Life Signs: Surgical Unit.

How did all these game characters get so freakin' precocious?

Certain people in their 20s have a vibrant, ambitious air – just out of college, on the bottom rung of the career ladder, but full of the confidence and energy needed to climb higher. I'm 25, and still in college, but I've got my goals in motion and I'm fully stoked on living forever, lighting up the sky like a flame, etc. What I mean is, I don't hate myself too much. In fact, I feel pretty good!

But good old Phoenix Wright and Trauma Center are kind of making me feel like a slug with a minor case of retarditis. These are worlds where young, stripling Dougie Houser legends are the norm, not the exception. All these district attorneys and lauded surgeons are a few years younger than I am, and I am by no means even half old.

Look at Phoenix Wright – he and his semi-rival attorney, Miles Edgeworth, are barely old enough to go to a bar for sloe gin fizzes after a hard day in the courtroom. And Edgeworth already holds the second highest prosecuting position in his district. Dr. Stiles, star surgeon of Trauma Center, is (IIRC) 21. Did he start college at age 16? Even then, that's cutting it close to get through med school by age 21, if that's even possible. What is this fantasyland where I'm already an old maid?

I know this is videogame fiction. In real life, surgeons don't have the magic ability to slow time by drawing a star in the air. In real life, spirit mediums aren't decisive witnesses. (Well, actually, that's not always true.) But in real life, star lawyers are definitely not too young to be able to rent a car! And, real life or not, I spend a lot of time with these video games. A lot of time that kind of makes me feel..."special."